As long as I live I will recall, with such clarity, a parental moment of truth & great contradiction…my son was two years old and had been crying for a while because he didn’t want to go to sleep alone in his room. I put him down one last time, locked the door behind me and sat outside the door waiting and waiting for the crying to subside while my heart was shattering into pieces. Twenty minutes into it, frustrated to my limits, I opened the door and saw him standing there crying raising his arms up to be picked up. In a very angry tone, I forcefully smacked his little hand and shouted a very firm “NO”. He instantly stopped crying, and shot me a look of great confusion. He had no idea what’d just happened. He’d never been met by me with brut force. The sad look on his will forever be imprinted in my memory…it felt so wrong, so contradicting… the person that’s supposed to love him most just inflicted pain. What was that, his little face asked? How could those two coexist? How could my loving, nurturing, caring mom hurt me?
I fell to pieces on the floor and he came to my rescue. His little hands & body were comforting me this time. I thought to myself, this is what loving & caring for those we love looks like. I finally had connected to my personal truth. This “tough love” business that was generationally passed on to me, was NOT going to be my parenting gig. Of course I had moments of denial, thinking “well spanking worked for me, I turned out ok”. But starting in that moment, I commited to being a mom that would nurture & teach through love, compassion, patience, understanding, gentle coaching, determination & a growth mindset. I took him in my arms, held him as tightly as I could and as closely to my heart as possible and promised him that I’d work patiently help him learn to sleep alone and only when he feels safe & ready.
Fast forward 11 years, my son has turned out to be an emotionally balanced young man, with great traits of ambition, determination, resolve, understanding, empathy, generosity, self responsibility, caring, kindness, love and certainly a notable growth mindset.
And by the way…he has loved sleeping alone for many years.
I was inspired to write this post by yesterday’s events. He was very excited to give me the gift he had gotten me for my birthday, a day early. He gave it to me and said with confidence & pride…”Mama, I know you’ll love it…it’s everything you love”. He was spot on. The gift is pictured in the title of the blog. It is a heart shaped rock salt candle holder. The heart definitely fits me because everyone who knows me, personally and as a life coach, knows I’m the biggest love & joy peddler. The rock salt fits my naturistic approach to life & maintaining our home. He also got me jasmine & rose flower essences, which exactly embody who I am at the heart level. I absolutely love flower & nature. Surely this is evident in my daily posts on social media. All this touched my heart so much because he truly knows me and he’s kind enough to pick out gifts he knew would bring me great joy, using his own hard earned money.
All this has made me realize that when we let our hearts speak our truth, and we actually decide to listen, it’s rare that we go wrong. I recognize today, that in that moment many many years ago, I listened to my heart, ignored my mind, and here I am today knowing with certainty that following my heart was the best gift I could give him. I believe one of the best gift a parent can give their children is to pass on a set of empowering beliefs. Beliefs that come from our TRUTH vs. disempowering beliefs passed down to us or that we’re conditioned to by society. I see so clearly now, that following my truth in that moment helped me pass on beliefs to my son of:
-I am enough
-I matter
-I deserve love & compassion
-I deserve respect & understanding
-I have greatness inside me
-I am whole right now
-I will continue to evolve towards my fullest potential
-My behavior may need tweaking but I AM not broken
So for me, TOUGH LOVE, was too much of a contradiction. I chose gentle, patient, kind, graceful love instead. I recognize that we each have the right as a parent to connect to our own truth. My way is not the right way, just my way. I do however feel strongly that we set our children up for success when they walk away from us with a set of empowering beliefs. That is a great gift from us to them.
As usual, I’d love to hear your thoughts. Have a lovely weekend!
Much love & light, ✨?✨
Dee
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