Here’s the thing my friends. I can say with a high level of certainty that conflict is present in EVERY RELATIONSHIP. Yes, you read that right! If you can’t see it on the outside (between the partners), it is surely present on the inside of each one of them. This is because no two humans are exactly alike. We have each been brought up with our unique experiences, unique set of beliefs, values & views. Even two people who get along well will have differences in what they want and need at any given moment. It’s just an undeniable part of the human experience.
But is conflict good or bad in a relationship. Well, it depends on how it shows up and how it is managed by the people in the relationship. Simply put, it can be used constructively or destructively. In this blog I will provide some insights and perspectives that can help us all use conflict more constructively. Yes I said us because, I too, need a good refresher on how to do it constructively.
The first shift we can make, to start moving in the direction of using conflict in a positive way is simply to become aware of the distinction between conflict, the noun and conflict, the verb. The noun, as we all know, has synonyms like disagreement, dispute, quarrel, etc. Now, let’s further break down these synonyms:
Disagreement- lack of consensus or approval
Dispute – compete for; strive to win:
Quarrel – have an angry argument or disagreement
I don’t think we need to go on to realize why conflict, the noun, is so stigmatized and dreaded in our society. It sounds llike a game where there’s one winner and one loser. The intent should always be for the relationship to thrive so clearly if we engage in the activities described above, absolutely nothing productive can come out of it! No wonder when we look & understand conflict from this win/lose perspective, nobody wants that in their life. So the tendency for many is to avoid it at all cost, right? But the real question to ask ourselves is what is the cost of avoidance?
Now let’s explore conflict, the verb…it’s definition is so much simpler and more meaningful: “to conflict is to be incompatible or at variance”. If we dissect this a bit more, conflict arises when the views, beliefs thoughts or feelings of the people involved are at variance, meaning different. Notice I didn’t say smarter or better, just different. When these differences first surface, they simply need to be discussed, understood and managed in a way that is most productive for the relationship vs. each of the individuals. If agreement can’t be reached due to deeply engrained beliefs about what is right or wrong, then it’s important to seek an outside source such as an expert in that field. For example, if the differences are about sex, go seek expert advice from the million articles available on the internet on what works best & right for a relationship. If that doesn’t provide the answers, take the next step and seek an expert. So there in lies the secret to using conflict in a productive way to advance the relationship?
Remember above, we asked what is the price of avoidance? Truth is we are each oblivious to what goes on in our partner’s minds. We simply can’t read minds. When these conflicts lie dormant due to our passivity, and they are not verbally expressed, they will show up as unmet expectations that are guaranteed to turn into disappointment, which if not expressed openly can easily turn into resentment or anger. It is so important to find the emotional courage to verbalize these differences, because we all know what happens when anger shows up in a relationship.
If we were to peel back the layers of anger, it is an explosive concoction of fear, pain, negative feelings wrapped in a bullet shell that creates the perception of power & strength for the one expressing it. Is it forceful? Yes it is! Is it damaging? Yes it is, very damaging to those who experience it. You see, true power comes from self love, self compassion and self acceptance. When we achieve this state inside ourselves, what comes out of us when squeezed (accused, confronted, blamed, etc) is love, compassion & acceptance. One of my best spiritual teachers has the perfect wisdom bit on this…
“When you squeeze an orange, orange juice comes out – because that’s what’s inside. When you are squeezed, what comes out is what is inside.” – Wayne Dyer
We react the most to those actions that trigger parts of ourselves that we haven’t yet healed. We react loudly and forcefully when what we’re getting called out on is something that we already subconsciously believe about ourselves but we are not willing for that side of us to be exposed.
To be powerful and strong in a relationship is to be willing to bring our fears out into the light…it is the only way in which they lose all their power over us. The beautiful thing about relationships is that our partners are a mirror to us. They mirror back aspects about ourselves that we can’t see from within. When we actively listen, with the intent to learn and not the intent to respond, we often learn truths about ourselves that we couldn’t have unveiled on our own. These are all opportunities and lessons for us to heal and move closer and closer to a life of love, peace & harmony. The same experience will show up over and over again until we learn our lesson. We have to be willing to self reflect and own our part when we clearly cross boundaries that we’re previously set in the relationship. It is perfectly acceptance as people and relationships grow, to renegotiate the boundaries.
We all want to achieve “flow” in our relationships…but we have to accept that sometimes it is laminar flow and at times it’s a bit more turbulent! The turbulence is an important and necessary part of growing as individuals and as a couple, so long as it is not damaging or destructive.
I’d love to hear your thoughts!
Much love & light!!!
Diana
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